My Darkest Days - Porn Star Dancing
UGH.
What makes this song grate on my nerves isn’t the throwback sexism; I have no dog in that fight, being the sort of guy who digs songs like “Under My Thumb” and “Stutter” in true equality. And the lyrics are asinine and piggish, but if we’re going after rock music for being asinine and piggish, we’ll never stop and our record collections will all fucking suck.
What bugs me about Porn Star Dancing is just how horribly unsexy it is. It’s all rock-hard fake boobs and off-center nipple piercings and Chinese character tats that probably don’t actually mean “peace” or “water” and that fucking dude with the guyliner and the fucking Mohawk. Looking at the singer's fresh-from-Zoolander cheekbones, I think "maybe it’s supposed to be ironic?". Even that’s done artlessly, and I know from conceptually good jokes that go over like lead balloons in the execution.
The whole endeavor just comes off like the bummer trying-too-hard corner of a Maxim party.
It's not the subject matter, either. "Boy, slutty dancing is awesome, I wish more girls did it" is a perfectly valid subject for a rock song. It's skeevy, sure, but here's the thing:
When Mick Jagger sings about how it’s down to him that the lady in question does just what she’s told, the big picture is creepy, but Mick radiates enough pure sex that you can maybe see why she’d go along with it. For that matter, when Justine Frischmann somehow manages to vocalize a perfectly arched eyebrow when asking if there’s something (anything) she can do for your ED, she’s already done it, thanks.
Good music about unhealthy or skeevy situations is still good music, and the best of it excels at seducing you just enough to go with the song, is my point (much belabored).
The problem here is that this song is not good music. The tune is a chugging, unadventurous piece of shit, the singer’s growly wail is the fakest kind of rock put-on, the lyrics make the word "broseph" seem clever, and I believe I mentioned that fucker with the Mohawk already. There’s just nothing in this song that makes anything in it seem remotely appealing.
Porn Star Dancing revels in being willfully fake shit that doesn’t have the self-respect to pretend otherwise,and it doesn't respect the listener enough to even try and have some charisma. It's a wannabe stripper anthem that would be embarrassing for strippers to dance to.
Moreover, it breaks the cardinal rule of rock music in being no fucking fun at all.
UGH. UGH, I SAY.
Second Runner up: Radiohead - Creep. Here, I'll sing a bit: "wank wank wank whiiiiii~ne~!" Second verse, same as the first, etc.
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